I've located my laptop but not my sanity...

The destruction zone called my new home

For those breathless with anticipation for the next installment of this blog you can now relax, breathe easy and take comfort in the fact that I'm back! "Yay!!!" followed by "Phew!" I hear you say.... But hey, what gives? C'mon a whole month away?

For anyone who ever started a gym membership (“I'm like, sooo going every day"), a healthy eating regime ("I swear, no carbs after 3pm and I saw this documentary about animals so I'm now a vegetarian!!!") or started the first draft of a novel and decided to chronicle her new writing adventures with a coinciding blog ("I'm going to write a novel and call the blog 'writing between feeds!") we all know that a month away is dangerous territory. Or, to be more precise, the land of "meh, it's been so long I'll just leave it" territory.  Why? Because before you know it, *BANG*, you're the size of a small house, eating BBQ Bambi with a side of mash and chips sprinkled with toast for dinner every night and...you've stopped writing...The one thing you promised yourself you wouldn't do this time around!!

So what happened? What could shatter my rock-solid commitment of writing between feeds? Two words - moving house... Or more precisely; moving-all-the-crazy-shit-we-call-stuff-from-one-place-to another-place-with-a-3month-old baby-and-a-3-year-old-boy-on-my-own-because-my-husband-couldn't-get-out-of-work because-he-just-started-a-new-job. (Oh that old nugget!)

As first world problems challenges go, it’s a biggie! (Yes first world because hey, hey, I know… we're actually lucky.. Lucky that I at least have stuff and lucky I have a house and lucky the hubby has a job and lucky I'm on maternity leave so I have loads of time to pack... that kind of lucky) In fact, at first I was feeling really good about the move. I was feeling organized, feeling confident, ("I can do this! My amazing in-laws are helping me on the day and my whole family has been helping me get ready for weeks and we're getting removalists in! I’m super mum!")

WRONG!!!

By the end of it I had to uncurl myself from the ball I had bubble-wrapped myself in (there was a lot lying around at the time) and called up both my sisters and sobbed like a little baby and wailed to my husband when he got home; "I am *sob* never *sob sob* ever doing that *snort sob* again on my own, EVER again! I don’t want to ever go into the old house again you’ll have to clean it up on your own." (which the poor guy subsequently did over the weekend, oh yes it was that bad, I played the ‘crying wife’ card!!)

I did not look like these people... I didn't have a funky "I'm moving house bandana" on, nor did I have my pot plant perched so precariously on top of my obviously empty boxes while my muscle-bound husband smiles indulgently on - oh getty images, how you lie!

But on a positive note - like all annoying things in life, there are lessons to be learnt from it and a list of certainties in which you can draw from... And so here they are...

My top 5 certainties when moving house with a baby and a toddler:

5) 3 year olds don't like playing the game "lets help mummy pack up your toys!" Why? because this game will rapidly transform into the "mummy puts a toy in the box and little boy takes it out" game. ("But mummy, I'll just keep this one out for now it's my favourite!" "But you haven't played with it since you we're 6 months old!!" "But I love it!!")

4) Never be clever and think, I won't pack the baby's nappies in the box marked "change table items" I'll put it somewhere else where I can find it easier once in the new house! Why? Because this results in a quick dash to the shops only to realize, as you open the boot to put the new packet of nappies in, that this is precisely where you left the packet of nappies you were looking for plus the spare packet you always buy just in case. Yay! Now you have three packets!!!

3) Your hair will turn white watching removalists move your stuff. Why? Because you're paying them by the hour and they're carrying one tiny box at a time to the truck ("err, guys can you use a trolley? Time is a tickin! ….Faster this way? What do you mean it's faster this way? Use the trolley! Oh, you forgot the trolley oh wow. Ok then, hand carry faster! Faster!!"….P.S I’m not a tough, confrontational kind of person so I only thought these things in my head, and didn’t actually say it out loud. Why? Because I’m a wuss and those guys were really, really big!!)

2) You will, without a doubt, despite best intentions, reach P.F otherwise known as “Packing Fatigue”. How do you know you’ve reached P.F? When that junk drawer you thought you would have time to sort through gets shoved in a plastic bag and gets taken to the new house and shoved in another drawer (awww, its like the junk drawer bag gave birth to a new junk drawer baby!! Oooh and wait what happens when you move again *open drawer* surprise!! “Here I am again!! Your junk drawer from two moves ago!!”)

1) And lastly, you will cry tears of exhaustion at the end of a harrowing day despite trying to keep cool and calm throughout. Why? What possible straw could break your camel-like back you ask? This one…That moment when your son looks up at you with huge eyes amidst the destruction zone of boxes in your new house and he says; "okay mummy, that's enough, let’s go home now!" oh dear…." Ummm, son..."

So there. First world problems but it still sucks. It sucks so badly that it's enough to make you break your very best promises.

But of course because I like looking at the positives in life, it's now been three days since move day and the nightmare of it, like that cardboard cut you got on your hand trying to open a box without a box cutter because you packed it, slowly begins to fade.... and before you know it, very slowly, "the new place" is transformed into our "new home". My son has unearthed his favourite toys and we've put together his bed, my baby has (lots of) clean nappies and the change table has been set up and my husband has found the DVD remote in the box I intuitively called "remotes and stuff" and I... Well, I've located my laptop (in the box called ‘lounge/office items’) and I’m ready to go!!  So, Lets get back into it! Lets get writing!!!

Hmmm… now, if only I could remember where I packed the power cord….